Maybe that it would do me good if I believed there were a God out in the starry firmament

It’s amazing how little things can set you off.

I was reading this article, which I thought from the headline would be an interesting story, but it turns out that it got deep into my into my psyche and then I couldn’t stop my head from thinking about my own death…and life, but mostly about how I won’t be here someday. In addition to having to deal with my recent loss, the combination of the two was too much for my mind and I imploded.

I got all twitchy, my breath got short and my heart rate increased. It was a panic attack. I haven’t had one since the day my (now ex) wife told me that we needed to split. I would get them frequently, mostly at night, and I would calm down by getting out of bed, throwing water on my face and lying down with one of the cats. This time however, I’m at work. I can’t get to the restroom without being noticed and I don’t have a cat nearby. To resolve the situation, I grabbed my stress ball off my desk and walked into the back of the file area, which is pretty close to my office, where it’s sort of secluded and dark. I just stood in there and tried to calm myself down.

I started to think about death, my death, and life, my life. I know this will get entirely too philosophical, but what are we doing here? I am back in school, and having a rough time of it, I might add, trying to get a degree so I can work for an organization that helps people. Shouldn’t my willingness/eagerness to want to help be enough? Why do I need a piece of paper to say to the organization, “Hire him, he’s ok. He’s one of us!” On-the-job experience will teach me more than any textbook, classroom or academic paper ever could.

We work so hard, for so long and for what? I know many people who work hard to provide for their families so the next generation can be better. That used to be a good moniker. Nowadays however, how much more does the next generation need? Isn’t this eventually going to wear itself out? Is it selfish of me to say that my life is not about my legacy? My family isn’t going to have it worse than me. I would consider my life, so far, to have been pretty good. In a shade more than 6 weeks, I’ll be 33 and I feel very lucky to have done many of the things I have, but does my legacy need more than that? I feel that, while the environment in which I grew up was not ideal, it has made a strong person. I don’t shy away from things because I had a tougher childhood than what my kids will likely have. By no means was my childhood as tough as so many other kids were either. At least I had a loving family, though my parents divorced when I was young; I had quality interaction with both of them then and to this day. My grandparents had a large influence on me as well because I spent a great amount of time with them throughout my childhood and even into my teen years.

I’ve run far away from the point of this post, so I am going hit the brakes and try to quiet my brain for the remainder of my workday.

It's not that we're scared, It's just that it's delicate

Death has a way of entering our lives at very inopportune moments. I guess though, when is there a good time for death? Death is one a few things that I am afraid of. I am “scared to death” of it, definitely no pun intended.

I bring this up because I spent Monday and Tuesday last week dealing with a death in my family. My great uncle passed away after having a stroke, which was a possible risk after his successful back surgery. He had a small stroke, to which his abilities were limited, but the potential for recovery was there. Then he had a massive stroke and he was left with no chance. My grandmother flew in from California. His children, stepchildren and grandchildren arrived in waves to say their final goodbyes before the doctors took him off the ventilator.

My dad emailed me about the situation a almost two weeks ago on Tuesday. I had pretty much made up my mind afterwards that I wanted to be at the funeral, whenever it was going to take place, regardless of the cost or strain on my personal schedule. On Sunday afternoon, while watching football, I got the call that he had passed.

I am going to skip the inane details of trying to get a last minute flight and the weather issues I had to deal with for now. Maybe by the end of the week, when I have some time, I’ll be able to write about those situations. For now, I’m going to write about a wonderful man; the extraordinary funeral he had and say my own goodbye.

One note before I begin. Due to this uncle existing on my father’s side of the family, I did not spend a great amount of time with him. I would see him maybe once every couple of years at family functions. However, he was also a best friend of an uncle on my mom’s side of the family whom I did see often, so I would get updates as to how he was and what was going on with him on a regular occasion.

That being said, the time I spent with him was always memorable. The first thing I always noticed was his smile. He always had a big smile on his face. If I had the opportunity to speak with him, and most likely I would because he always made a point of mingling with everyone, he would make sure to ask how I was doing, what was going on in my life and was I happy. As the conversation progressed from topic to topic, he always spoke with passion and conviction, regardless of the topic. In our ardent conversations, his face and voice were always animated and I could tell he genuinely enjoyed speaking with me.

It is said that people are not judged by the things they possess, but by the company they keep. If this is true, then my uncle will receive the highest of honors. The turnout for his funeral was phenomenal. Well over 250 people who had been touched by him in some manner showed up to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. There were nine speakers: a son, a stepdaughter, a stepson, two granddaughters, a former student’s mother and two colleagues/friends. While they all spoke eloquently, two stood out.

My uncle was a professor of business and marketing at a State University. He was a department head. He was the student advisor to a number of different organizations on campus. One of his organizations, Students in Free Enterprise, was a competition. His group finished first in regional competitions nine years in a row. Nationally, they were ranked third and this is amongst some of the best schools in the country. There is no division I, II or III. I give you this background because the President of the University was one of the speakers and spoke more highly of him than I’d ever heard of such a common person. However, he wasn’t a common person. He was exceptional.

Above all else, his family came first. He lost his first wife in his late 30’s, while his children were in their teens. He married his second wife in his mid-40’s, bringing her three children together with his and creating one large, loving family. The children all got along very well and remain close to this day. From these two families, he welcomed sons and daughter’s-in-law, as well as numerous grandchildren. His eldest granddaughter spoke at his funeral and she was the most eloquent, poised and composed speaker of the morning. She spoke about sitting on the patio while he would tell her stories, helping her with her homework and listening to talk about anything and everything that was going on in her life. She talked about how difficult it was to see him in the hospital and much she would miss him.

When she finished, the only audible sound in the room were that of sniffles, blowing noses and quiet sobbing. She had everyone in the room thinking about what a great man he was and how much he will be missed. Her speech described and reinforced the very soul and spirit of the man he was: husband, father, grandfather, uncle and friend.

I cannot do justice in my attempts to describe any of what the speakers said that day, so I will not try. The best that I can say about how amazing this funeral was, is that of the 250+ that showed up for the service, around 75 showed up at the cemetery, in 9°, windy, snowy weather, to say their final goodbyes. Among those who showed up for the service were members from my mom’s side of the family as well. Aside from his best friend, my uncle whom I mentioned before, my aunt and uncle, my mother’s brother and sister and another great uncle as well. When I spoke with each of them, after being somewhat surprised to see them there, they each conveyed how much they enjoyed having the opportunity to know this man. His presence went well beyond the boundaries of the two sides of my family and I continued to be amazed.

I wish I could’ve seen him more often than I did. I wish I had seen him more recently than the last time, which was two years ago and I wish that my final goodbye at that time was not my final goodbye.

May he rest in peace knowing that he touched the lives of so many, even those he only came in contact with for the briefest of moments. We will all miss you greatly.

I'm on the football team

With the recent college bowl games occurring nightly for the past 2 weeks, there has been a lot made of the issue that the bowl games bring in millions of dollars for each school, and that college players give up a lot to play football, yet with all that money coming in, they aren’t paid to play. I watched a few interviews on ESPN and I thought, “You’re getting a free education and room and board!” Moreover, many of the stars on these teams will continue on to the pro level where they can make more money in a few years than an average person with a four-year degree will probably make in their lifetime. Of course, don’t forget that while the athletes are making their millions after graduating with a free degree, if they graduate at all, the rest of us will have to pay back our student loans while working an entry/low-to-mid-level job making a fraction of what their signing bonus was.

Don’t give me this crap about how they should be paid to play. They have even more of a choice than everyone else has; play sports and get a free education or don’t play sports and work a real job like the rest of the world.

The bigger problem here is that the sponsors for the bowl games and the networks have ramped up the prices for everything so they can afford to dish out these multimillion-dollar awards to the teams who represent their products in the “Tostitos Fiesta Bowl”, the “Nokia Sugar Bowl”, the “Chik-Fil-A Bowl” or the “Rose Bowl presented by Citi.” It’s obscene how much money universities get for playing a game. The driving force for a school should not be how much money they can make by developing a quality athletic program, it should be how many quality individuals can their education department turn out year after year. This is among the many reasons our education system is backwards and our kids priorities are so screwed up.

I'm here for my sanity, sanity! I am here for you.

Recently, many of the hits I’ve received have been from people searching for answers to a question I once faced – and despised – “The study habits of Joe Student.”

I’m very curious as to exactly what you were looking for because I know how serious the college takes plagiarism. Also, many of the visits have been for a decent length of time, such as the one person who spent 18 HOURS reading my posts. It’s tough to get your homework done when you’re reading blogs online! Shame, shame! Just kidding. Obviously, I’ve been where you are, so I know how idiotic that question is and how hard it is to concentrate when you think the question is stupid and useless. What I can tell you is that I answered the question with about 250 words of bullshit and got 23/30 points. My asswipe instructor wrote some comment that if I had simplified my thought process, I could’ve received the other seven points. What. Ever. The question was stupid then and I stand by my answer a year later.

All that being said, one year later, I received my two-year degree in business and my 3.63 GPA never really missed those seven points.

Since you’re here, and not doing your homework, why not let me know what you think of the Joe Student question? It’s only fair since I’ve told you what I thought of it.

In other news, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year everyone. You would’ve thought with the 14 hours I sat on the couch and watched Bowl games on Monday (yes, I picked Boise State over OU!), I could’ve done that earlier. Nonetheless, it’s now been said.

With 2006 out of the way, I am looking forward to a new start in ’07 and with that, I am going to attempt to spend some more time sharing my pearls of wisdom. Enjoy!