Maybe that it would do me good if I believed there were a God out in the starry firmament

It’s amazing how little things can set you off.

I was reading this article, which I thought from the headline would be an interesting story, but it turns out that it got deep into my into my psyche and then I couldn’t stop my head from thinking about my own death…and life, but mostly about how I won’t be here someday. In addition to having to deal with my recent loss, the combination of the two was too much for my mind and I imploded.

I got all twitchy, my breath got short and my heart rate increased. It was a panic attack. I haven’t had one since the day my (now ex) wife told me that we needed to split. I would get them frequently, mostly at night, and I would calm down by getting out of bed, throwing water on my face and lying down with one of the cats. This time however, I’m at work. I can’t get to the restroom without being noticed and I don’t have a cat nearby. To resolve the situation, I grabbed my stress ball off my desk and walked into the back of the file area, which is pretty close to my office, where it’s sort of secluded and dark. I just stood in there and tried to calm myself down.

I started to think about death, my death, and life, my life. I know this will get entirely too philosophical, but what are we doing here? I am back in school, and having a rough time of it, I might add, trying to get a degree so I can work for an organization that helps people. Shouldn’t my willingness/eagerness to want to help be enough? Why do I need a piece of paper to say to the organization, “Hire him, he’s ok. He’s one of us!” On-the-job experience will teach me more than any textbook, classroom or academic paper ever could.

We work so hard, for so long and for what? I know many people who work hard to provide for their families so the next generation can be better. That used to be a good moniker. Nowadays however, how much more does the next generation need? Isn’t this eventually going to wear itself out? Is it selfish of me to say that my life is not about my legacy? My family isn’t going to have it worse than me. I would consider my life, so far, to have been pretty good. In a shade more than 6 weeks, I’ll be 33 and I feel very lucky to have done many of the things I have, but does my legacy need more than that? I feel that, while the environment in which I grew up was not ideal, it has made a strong person. I don’t shy away from things because I had a tougher childhood than what my kids will likely have. By no means was my childhood as tough as so many other kids were either. At least I had a loving family, though my parents divorced when I was young; I had quality interaction with both of them then and to this day. My grandparents had a large influence on me as well because I spent a great amount of time with them throughout my childhood and even into my teen years.

I’ve run far away from the point of this post, so I am going hit the brakes and try to quiet my brain for the remainder of my workday.