I am not an introspective person. I rarely think about who I am. I live thinking, rather dreaming, about the bigger things. Is there a god? Is there life on other planets? Is there anybody out there just like me? What is death like? What does real, physical pain feel like? I think about that one because the worst pain I’ve ever had is when I severely pulled my groin muscle while playing hockey. When I say severely, I mean that I also broke a bunch of blood vessels in my leg, which caused a lot of blood to seep into the muscle; which caused a lot of black, blue, purple, then eventually yellow and green colors to form on the entire inside of my left leg; which also caused so much swelling, my leg was stretching the leg opening in my boxers and fit snugly into my jeans. To me, that’s the only pain I’ve even known, but what does it feel like to break a bone? To be concussed? Or sprain an ankle? Ok, so this is not where I intended this post to go, so I’ll stop with the pain section!
Anyway, the reason I’m talking about not being an introspective person is due to my boss calling me in for a little chat on Tuesday. He stated that while I do very good work on assignments with specific due dates, anything that is left open-ended seems to stay unfinished. I told him that I understood what he was saying, but I also explained that when I have those types of projects, anything else that comes up with a deadline, tends to be the priority and the other ones just keep getting pushed back. I don’t need assistance in finishing these projects; I just need other things to not come up, as they tend to do.
He went on to say that it is in my best interest to finish these projects because it reflects better on me that I am completing things and when bonuses roll around at the end of the year, it will show in mine.
What he asked me to do was come up with a list of 5 goals that I have for myself, to provide motivation for completing these tasks and for them to see what drives me and how they can help. This is where I have the problem of not being introspective. Sure, I know what I want; it’s pretty basic I think. It isn’t anything that most people don’t want. A house, a better car, a companion, a family, to travel, to have friends that truly know you, to retire comfortably, to take care of your parents when they're older are the big ones I can think of. Who doesn’t want at least one of those things?
The bigger question, I suppose, is what drives me to get those things? Is it in this office? Is it in this city? I have always had a hard time defining myself and this question has truly tested my thoughts.
I know this for sure: I came up with 2 lists so far and I am working on a third. The first list is all of my short-term goals. Finish school, find a job in my field, take a great vacation (I’m thinking the 2010 Vancouver Olympics!), buy a car, and pay off my debt. The second list is long-term goals: find a companion, start a family, buy a house, travel regularly and build a life and live it. The third list is all of those in between things that are important to me, drive me to be a better person and will make a difference in not only who I am, but the people around me as well. These are items like, be a great friend who can be counted on, be active in my community to make changes for the better of our society, donate money or time to charities that I think are worthy (Alzheimer’s and heart disease), be a good dad (when that time comes).
After writing these things down, I began to wonder which were more important? I mean, without finishing school and finding a job in my field, I suppose none of the others are likely possibilities. However, is it more important to be a great friend or to travel regularly? The questions I’ve been asking myself for the past 40 hours or so are: What is the most important thing in our lives? Everything is inter-related, but which one should take the priority and why? I’m at an impasse. I could give him the easy answers and see what he has to say, but inside, I know there are so many more questions that I need to answer for myself that I think I’d be cheating if I gave him those. What to do?
2 comments:
The things that are important in your life change as your life changes - or so I've found. As a youngster I had a few fairly simple (simple to understand, not to get!) goals, but as time has gone on, none of those things have happened, and I no longer care, because new (and more complex) goals have appeared.
What your boss wants to know though, is what goals you have that are work related, or that he can understand in terms of work. Is promotion the most important thing to you - more than, say, a quiet vacation? Or is job satisfaction the thing drives you? Or a sense of justice? that kind of thing, so he can tailor the type of projects he gives you & his expectations of your workload.
Whenever Aggie is asked "what is your ambition?" in an interview he replies "to see the sun rise over Olympus Mons". It always throws them:-) It's never going to happen & doesn't help them one iota, while still answering the question perfectly:-) I always gave them the answer they wanted. My work is the most important thing in my life, it is my life, I live, sleep, eat and breathe it, I want more work and more responsibility & more money asap. But when it became untrue, I found that I was stressing myself out way too much:-(
That's the thing though, there is no place to go here! I can't be promoted in such a small office. Honestly, I really don't like this job, as I've certainly expressed before and the fact that I've been looking for something else, with more money, until I get my degree. I realize what he wants and actually, considering how he runs this office, I'm surprised he even brought this all up, but I fear that I cannot be completely honest with him in whatever I answer I decide upon, aside from the truth. In part, I think this is one of the reasons I'm stuggling with the question. I have until Friday to give him my list and I think I may take all day before I turn it in. As I said before, I don't think about myself from the inside, so this one has me turning inside out (no pun intended) to find the answer, or many answers as the case may be.
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