I'm not a miracle and you're not a saint, just another soldier on a road to nowhere.

Have you ever had a spell where no matter is happening, nothing seems to satisfy, motivate, drive or bring out the passion inside you? I am probably going through the deepest funk that I’ve been, in a long, long time.

I am struggling to find the motivation to come into work on a daily basis and school is kicking my ass. I did really well in my first 2 classes, an A & B+, but these classes are 3 ½ weeks in and I feel as though I’m way back in the first week. I can’t seem to get my head focused to get the work done and the further I fall behind, the less I am inclined to catch up. I know in my head and in my heart that I have to do this. If I ever want a better career than what I have now, whatever that is, I must finish this. All this effort to get a silly piece of paper that says, “Hey, now that I have this degree, you can ignore the 15 years of my life that I devoted to one company, working my ass off 65 hours per week, climbing through the ranks and earning a good living because in today’s world, that means nothing." It’s all about the college-fucking-degree. Isn’t that just awful? Growing up in a blue-collar city, I always believed that hard work would get you through anything. If I sell my soul to the “Gods of Labor”, I can have a nice life in the future, but it doesn’t work like that and in the past 10 years, businesses have become so greedy, while cutting costs’ and slighting their payroll, that no matter how hard you work, you’re still always just a little behind.

I remember a conversation I had with my parents when I was about 14 or 15 about how I didn’t have an interest in going to college. My stepfather asked what kind of life I wanted and I responded that I don’t need a lot of money or material things; I just need enough to get by and a little extra for “fun”. Personally, I still believe that, but it’s not enough to only live for today anymore. You have to live for 40 years from now, plan for the future and only survive today. What I am doing now will affect me when I’m 75, never mind how I feel while I’m (coming up on) 32. Live today and work for the future. That’s the meaning of life nowadays.

This brings me back to needing the college degree. I don’t even know what I plan on doing with it once I get it. Maybe I’ll sell it on eBay so I can pay off my student loans! Maybe I’ll just burn it as an act of rebellion! Maybe I’ll take it with me on every job interview and threaten to burn it if they don’t hire me. I sacrificed a lot by going back to school at 31 years of age and they shouldn’t have even worried about whether I had that piece of paper, they could’ve figured out the type of person I was by actually reading my (impressive – if I do say so myself) resume.

Nowadays, loyalty means nothing; dedication is a lost art; and respect, well, that word just doesn’t exist unless the prefix “dis” is in front of it. In today’s world, everybody is disrespected or disrespectful, but nobody shows respect or reverence to anyone for anything. I guess I could say that I feel that my past qualifications should speak for themselves, but I am disrespected because I don’t have the college degree for which everyone keeps begging me. I don’t receive any respect for the work that I’ve done in the past, it’s all about the “What have you done for me lately?” How am I supposed to work for you today, but work for me for tomorrow – that doesn’t seem very fair now does it?

Anyway, I can’t help but wonder why I’m in such a terrible funk.

Rants
School